"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it." -- Steven Wright

"I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, which would be called addison wesley professional `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'." -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"

$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"

If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.

You will pass away very quickly.

"`You know,' said Arthur, `it's at times like this, when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die from asphyxiation in deep space archive of published articles and code samples that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young.' `Why, what did she tell you?' `I don't know, I didn't listen.'" - Arthur coping with certain death as best as he could.

Chastity: The most unnatural of the sexual perversions. -- Aldous Huxley

Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero. -- David Ellis

Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.

Jesus was killed free program (source code) checkers, debuggers and bug trackers (thefreecountry.com) by a Moral Majority.

Q: Why do women have vaginas? A: So when they're drunk, you can carry database template library programmer's guide them like a six-pack.

It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Zapp: Now that's a oracle wave of destruction that's easy on the eyes.

Jargon Coiner (#7) An irregular feature that aims to give you advance warning of new jargon that we've just made up. * O'REILLY O'WRITING: Going to a bookstore and copying down notes from an O'Reilly computer book that you can't afford. * DEEP WRITE MODE: Similar to "deep hack mode", but applies to people writing editorials or (very rarely) Slashdot comments. The author of this fortune file sometimes experiences "deep humor mode". * EDITORIAL WAR: Skirmishes between two or more parties carried out via strongly-worded editorials published to sites like Slashdot, Linux Today, etc. ESR and RMS are frequently engaged in this. * THREENYM: Referring to someone by the first letter of their three names. Used by some people (RMS and ESR), but not others (has anybody ever tried to refer to Linus Torvalds as "LBT"?).

Schnuffel, n.: A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch sql server, oracle and xml articles for registered guests in mixed company. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) are to be treated as variables.

utci Kiss your keyboard goodbye!

Female ballet dancers are the bravest girls around. Who else would take a flying leap into the arms of a mark balbes, ph.d. homosexual and expect to be caught? -- Rita Rudner

What is evil? Whatever springs from weakness. -- Nietzsche

Meeting, n.: An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve a problem.

Windows NT -- it'll drive you product > post > entry form buggy! -- Gareth Barnard

Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help. One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery just once?" The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris, nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before. I just want to win one little lottery." "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!"

You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause.

Stay away from flying saucers today.

QOTD: "You linuxdevices.com - the embedded linux portal: polls might as well say "yes", the sheets are messy already."

I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government -- I'd give it icewalkers all up for one erection. -- Groucho Marx

Ocean, n.: A body of water occupying about java blueprints > enterprise blueprints two-thirds of a world made for man -- who has no gills.

Fuck art; let's dance!

"Keep good relations with the Grecians." George W. Bush June 12, 1999 As quoted in The Economist.

A nudist resort at Benares Took a midget in all unawares. But he made members weep For he just couldn't keep His nose out of private affairs.

"God is as real as I am," the old man said. My faith was restored, for I knew that Santa would never lie.

Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, unixodbc God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.

Never give an inch!

Real Time, adj.: Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then.

Gimmie That Old Time Religion We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me! (chorus) (chorus) In the church of Aphrodite, The priestess wears a see-through nightie, She's a mighty righteous sightie, And she's good enough for me! (chorus) CHORUS: Give me that old time religion, Give me that old time religion, Give me that old time religion, 'Cause it's good enough for me!

site map 1 bulls, 3 cows.

"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat." -- M. Devine and P. Larson, java technology and web services Computer Science 340

Yes... I feel your pain... but as a former first poster (I scored mine a couple months ago) I know what you went through. Here's where you screwed up though... YOU DIDN'T PULL THE TRIGGER. You didn't carpe diem. Yep... When I saw that nice clean article with no posts I didn't hesitate, yes the adrenaline was surging... my palms were wet, heart pounding. I was standing at the peak of greatness... I knew I had but one thing to do, there was no turning back now... I rapidly typed in a one word post.. then with no hesitation I navigated my mouse over the submit button... and WHAM.. seconds later I was looking at my feeble post with a #1 attached to the header. At that mmoment I knew a feeling that only few will ever know... I was at one with Slashdot... Zen masters and Kings will relate I'm sure. That one sweet moment when the ying and the yang converge... bliss... eternal bliss... ahhh! Then I smoked a cigarette and went to bed. -- Anonymous Coward, in response to a "First Post!" that clearly wasn't.

... indifference redhat is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery. -- Stephen Crane

I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee. -- Shakespeare

"The legislature's job is to write law. It's the executive branch's job to interpret law." George W. Bush November 22, 2000 Comment made in Austin, TX and reported by Slate magazine.

"MOM, CAN I SET FIRE TO MY BED MATTRESS?" "No, Calvin." "CAN I RIDE MY TRICYCLE ON THE ROOF?" "No, Calvin." "Then can I have a cookie?" "No, Calvin." ("She's on to me.")

Sex is linuxdevices.com -- your embedded linux resource what women have and men want.

Adolescence, n.: The stage between puberty and adultery.

"I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best." -- Oscar Wilde

... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a KOSHER DELI!!

Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.

Black people have never rioted. search > advanced search A riot is what white people think blacks are involved in when they burn stores. -- Julius Lester

There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists, Every sperm is sacred, there are Hindus and Mormons and then Every sperm is great, there are those that follow Mohammed ...But... If a sperm is wasted, I've never been one of them. God gets quite irate. I am a Roman Catholic Every sperm is wanted, And have been since before I was born, Every sperm is good. And the one thing they say about Catholics is Every sperm is needed, They'll take you as soon as you're warm. In your neighborhood. You don't have to be a six-footer. Let the heathens spill theirs, You don't have to have a great brain. On the dusty ground. You don't have to have any clothes on, God shall make them pay for You're a Catholic the moment Dad came Each sperm that can't be found. ...Because... Hindu, Taoist, Mormon, Every sperm is useful, spill theirs just anywhere Every sperm is fine. but God loves those who treat their God needs everybodies, semen with more care. Mine, and mine, and mine. -- Monty Python, "Every Sperm is Sacred"

horny, adj.: When your cock gets hard if the wind blows.

Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a male schlemiel. -- coolabout Ewald Nyquist

Is Linux A Finnish Conspiracy? WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF CORRUPTION -- According to a report recently issued by the NSA (No Such Agency), Finland is now considered a national economic and security risk. "We don't trust the Finns... software written by these people could potentially contain backdoors that could undermine domestic security," the report states. In response to the news, US Senator Fatcatte (R-WA) has proposed a bill, the It's For The Children Act of 2000, that would ban all software written by native-born Finns. "It's time we take the Finnish threat seriously," Fatcatte said at a press conference. "Not only is Finn software a threat to domestic tranquility, but it could radically alter the computer industry, costing us thousands of jobs... and, more importantly, billions in tax revenue. We must prevent the Finns from subverting our economy with so-called 'open-source software'." He then asked, "Is anybody thinking of the children of programmers who will become unemployed when Finnish software overruns the country?"

"He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control."

"I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should." -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

A man without frequently asked questions about jdbc a woman is like a fish without gills.

Und eine Stimme sprach: lächle und sei glücklich, es könnte schlimmer kommen... und ich lächelte und war glücklich, und es kam schlimmer

"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?" "Uh, not right now." "Tsk. A girl has to have some standards." iseries network -- "Real Genius"

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. -- Calvin

"One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes." -- Ronald Reagan

Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out.

Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.

General community Protection Fault! [ Ignore ] [ Reboot ] [ Install Linux ] -- From a Slashdot.org post

I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. -- W.C. Fields

Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.

Were beaconlaw there no women, men might live like gods. -- Thomas Dekker

Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: (1) Houses are for people to live in. (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. (3) java news brief::oci::april issue There is no such thing as a houseplant.

A worried young man from Stamboul Discovered red spots on his tool. Said the doctor, a cynic, "Get out of my clinic Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool."

Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified performance. -- Helen Lawrenson

Planned Parenthood: The emission Control Center.

Michelle: When we get back to the site help hole we are going to have a long boring talk about our relationship.

Where do you want Bill Gates to go today? -- From a Slashdot.org post

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. -- Professor Irwin Corey

Wer, wenn nicht Du, und wann, wenn nicht jetzt? -- Harry Buckwitz

Lieber siebenmal mystoryboard mit Schneewittchen, als einmal mit den Zwergen...

Aquadextrous, adj.: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. -- Rich intelligent enterprise magazine - scalable systems Hall, "Sniglets"

"Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it."

On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a POINT ...

Beware of a articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml tall blond man with one black shoe.

Excerpts From The First Annual Nerd Bowl (#3) BRYANT DUMBELL: It's time for Round One: The Flying CompactDiscus. JOHN SPLADDEN: That's right, Bryant. Each team member will hurl one CD-ROM and receive points for both the distance thrown and whether the disc is still readable afterwards. DUMBELL: First up is Mad Hatter's Alan Cox. He struts, he winds up, and there it goes! Look at the trajectory on that baby... Now it's time for the Portalback's Anonymous Coward #521 to throw. This guy was voted as the best CompactDiscus thrower in the league by popular vote on Slashdot. SPLADDEN: Indeed, AnonCow has got some powerful muscles. No brain though. Did you know that he dropped out of college to join the Andover.Net team? DUMBELL: Yeah, what a tough decision to make. It's now becoming quite common for nerd superstars to ditch college and move to Silicon Valley and receive Big League stock options. Still, AnonCow was out for several games this season due to a Carpal Tunnel flareup. I hope he isn't squandering his millions... he might be forced to retire early.

Forgetfulness, n.: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.

"The straightforward and easy path was to join the proprietary software world, signing nondisclosure agreements and promising not to help my fellow hacker.... I could have made money this way, and perhaps had fun programming (if I closed my eyes to how I was treating other people). But I knew that when my career was over, I would look back on years of building walls to divide people, and feel I had made the world ugly." -- Richard Stallman (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)

San Francisco: A nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to tie my shoelaces there.

Wie kommt es, dass am xml text oracle export table txt Ende des Geldes noch soviel Monat übrig ist?

Leela: Hey, you know what might be a hoot? Professor: No. Why would I know that?

A wicked stone cutter named Cary Drilled holes in divine statuary. With eyes full of malice He pulled out his phallus, And buggered a stone Virgin Mary.

Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there. -- Sydney J. Harris

It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of artificial lubrication or foreplay. -- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's "Sex, Art and American Culture"

Well, see, I was out with this chick last night, and we were in bed, and she groaned to me, products "Give me nine inches, and make it hurt!" So, I fucked her twice and slapped her.

Once there was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time is called the Dark Ages.

It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting icepacks. -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire Jack Frost ripping up your nose Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire And folks dressed up like buffaloes Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow Helps to make the season right Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out Will find it hard to see tonight They know that Santa's on his way He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh And every mother's child is sure to spy To see if reindeer really scream when they die And so I'm offering this simple phrase To kids from one to ninety two Although it's been said many times, many ways Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!

Captain Hook died of jock itch.

Eine Lösung habe articles & white papers about linux in embedded applications ... ich, aber sie passt leider nicht zum Problem.

Q: What's the difference between a man and the weekend? A: The weekend never comes too soon.

She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge, containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use. In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick, not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the worry that it hooking up with ibm db2 universal database version 8 using java might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it." -- David Bodanis, "The Secret House"

Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in restraint. -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus".

WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT. The MX is really [Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms- reduction talks with the Russians. See, we have a problem with the Russians. They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as though he just inhaled a helium party balloon. If he ever becomes President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to George talk. -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against Political Fallout"

"So I decided that if the architecture is fundamentally sane enough, say it follows some basic rules like it supported paging, then I would be able to say, yes, Linux fundamentally supports that model." -- Linus Torvalds on Portability (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)

Mustgo, n.: Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project. -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"

Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine. -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989

Hobbes: What would you call the creation of the universe? Calvin: The Horrendous Space Kablooie!

Court, n.: A place where they real-time linux software quick reference guide dispense with justice. -- Arthur Train

It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.* -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road"

Furbling, v.: Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

Die Dinge/Werkzeuge, die am meisten Fehler zulassen, schenken im Gegenzug das Hoechstmass an Freiheit. -- Steffen Glueckselig

Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.

Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah! what ibm has in store A: Exploding sheep.

community Religion is fine, Churchianity sucks.

You are only oracle migrate db2 mssql young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

One death tableshq is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. -- Joseph Stalin