Robot, n.: Someone who's been made by a scientist.

The husband wired home that he had been able to wind up his business trip a day early and would be home on Thursday. When he walked into his apartment, however, he found his wife in bed with another man. Furious,he picked up his bag and stormed redhat out. He met his mother-in-law on the street, told her what had happened and announced that he was filing for divorce in the morning. "Give my daughter a chance to explain before you take any action," the older woman pleaded. Reluctantly, he agreed. An hour later his mother-in-law phoned the husband at his club. "I knew my daughter would have an explanation," she said, a note of triumph in her voice. "She didn't receive your telegram!"

Well, I'd left home just a week before, And I'd never ever kissed a woman before, But Lola smiled and took me by the hand, And said 'Little boy, gonna make you a man!' Well, I'm not the world's most masculine man, But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man and so's Lola. La, la, news > post > entry form la, la-Lola... la, la, la, la-Lola... Lola. -- The Kinks

"The federal government ought to have maximum flexibility." George W. Bush September 30, 2000 The presidential candidate was referring to "states" having flexibility in their use of education funds.

A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears. C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh. E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech. G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug. I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake. K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui. O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl. Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire. S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits. U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train. W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice. Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin. -- Edward Gorey "The Ghastly Crumb Tines"

Exercise caution articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml in your daily affairs.

Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#1) Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade. Question 1: What is your opinion of the Microsoft antitrust trial? A. The DoJ is wasting taxpayer's money. Now, if the DOJ were to upgrade all of its computer systems to Windows, then the department would be making wise use of tax dollars. B. All of the Microsoft email messages that the evil government has presented as evidence are obviously taken out of context or have been completely twisted around. I mean... Bill Gates would never say "let's cut off their air supply" in a memo; it's an obvious fabrication. C. Judge Jackson is obviously biased in favor of the DOJ's vigilante persecution of Microsoft. D. If Microsoft loses, it will be the gravest miscarriage of justice in all the history of mankind.

Dear Lord, observe this bended knee This visage meek and humble, And hear this confidential plea Voiced in reverent mumble: Give me Shylock, give me Fagin But O God spare me Ronald Reagan! -- Ansel Adams

Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding hundred dollar bills." -- Herb Caen

Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

jnb-july Leela: Your face can take a lot of punishment. That's good to know. Fry: There's a lot about my face you don't know.

A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily. The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the party. He walked out into the night. The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him, too. The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by the wolf pack. At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun. He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds has killed them all. The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others went out to be killed? The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket. He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many."

She asked me if I loved her still. "Yes," I replied. "I've never had you any other way."

SEX-CHANGE NUN BECOMES TV WRESTLER!!! articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml details at 11!

A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely called a liberal.

Q: How do you reading a list of metadata collections play religious roulette? A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck by lightning first.

As they say about Dungeons and Dragons, "Life's a die, and then you bitch."

The Microsoft Motto: "We're the leaders, wait for us!"

Q: free database libraries, odbc drivers, sql servers and sql tools (thefreecountry.com) What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read? A: A cheese grater.

Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows. Watch who you sleep with.

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." George W. Bush October 18, 2000 During visit to La Crosse, Wisconsin.

"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far." -- Paul White

Q: Why is Microsoft's Product Support a failure? A: Because Microsoft needs a Support Group instead.

Bill Gates did not weaving websphere: the data perspective realize was that his daughter would grow up to be a rebel and would never use anything but Linux for her whole life.

Q: How can a real man tell when his girl friend's having an orgasm? A: Real men don't care.

Scott's first Law: extract convert oracle dump export No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.

By case study for content manager ondemand backup, recovery, and high availability #1: global voice and data communications company golly, I'm beginning to think Linux really *is* the best thing since sliced bread.

Hire the morally handicapped.

"But suppose we sent a crew to plant an explosive precisely on the fault line between this mass of coffee grounds and this deposit of America Online floppy disks." -Professor "In theory, it could work." -General "In theory, perhaps, but you'll never find a crew willing to take on a mission so suicidally dangerous." -Wernstrom "Aw, jeez." -Bender

Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through any of its streets.

"I propose we leave math to the machines and go play outside." --- Calvin

"Taxes should hurt. most popular articles on sql server, oracle and xml I just mailed my own tax return last night and I am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone." -- Ronald Reagan

The husband was disturbed by his wife's indifferent attitude towards him and the marriage counselor suggested he try being more aggressive in his lovemaking. "Act more like a romantic lover and less like a bored spouse," he was advised. "When you go home, make love to her as soon as you meet -- even if it's right inside the front door." At the next consultation, mainframe extra: the resilient db2 the adviser was pleased to hear that the husband had followed his instructions. "And how did she react this time?" the consultant asked. "Well, to tell you the truth," the husband replied, "she was still sort of indifferent. But one thing I've got to admit: her bridge club went absolutely wild!"

Our readers ask, "Why don't more WASPs go to orgies?" Well, dir it's really quite simple. They don't want to have to write all those thank-you notes.

Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.

Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.

When the naive young lady asked the clerk in Le Sex Shoppe to show her his selection of vibrators, he brought out the two most popular ones. "The basic white plastic one here is twenty dollars," the clerk said. "The flesh-toned rubber models are thirty." "I'm just not sure," the woman said, Then she noticed an eye-catching item on the back shelf. "How much is that plaid one over there? "Uh, well, that's a pretty special one," said the clerk. "I couldn't sell you that one for less than a hundred." "I'll take it." Later that day, the store owner checked in to see how business was going. "Great," the clerk told him. "This morning, I sold four white vibrators and three flesh-toned ones. And, this afternoon, I got a hundred bucks for my Thermos."

[Nuclear war] ... may promotions not be desirable. -- Edwin Meese III

Ocean, n.: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -- who has no gills.

A young wife in the outskirts of Reims Preferred frigging to going to ociweb mass. Said her husband, "Take Jacques, Or any young cock, For I cannot live up to your ass."

"And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, provideth that they are nice and fresh.'" -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"

Your first goal isn't to win; your first goal is not to loose. -- Marc MacYoung about streetfightin'

Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed. Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed. Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice, Unless you get a good percentage of her price ... db2 is the next logical eserver convergence -- Tom Lehrer

database template library programmer's guide Alle Pilze sind essbar. Manche sogar öfter.

Bore, n.: A guy who wraps articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. -- Walter Winchell

Dawn, n.: The time when men of reason site help go to bed. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

San Francisco, n.: Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.

Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears. [Taking a shower in raincoat? Ed.]

Deck Us All With Boston Charlie Deck us all with Boston Charlie, Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! Nora's freezin' on the trolley, Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! Don't we know archaic barrel, Lullaby Lilla Boy, javaone Louisville Lou. Trolley Molly don't love Harold, Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! -- Walt Kelly

Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

"I hate it thefreecountry.com: free programmers' resources, free webmasters' resources, free security resources when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means it's going to be up all night." -- Steven Wright

Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise. -- Richard M. Nixon

Nicht zu bekommen, was man will, ist manchmal ein grosser Gluecksfall. -- XIV. Dalai Lama

Unfortunately, the current generation of mail programs about jamie's software do not have checkers to see if the sender knows what he is talking about -- A. S. Tanenbaum

Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will cheerfully baste you. -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82

We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must condemn once and for all the formula 'chess for the sake of chess,' like the formula 'art for art's sake.' We must organize shock-brigades of chess-players, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan for chess. -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's "Stalin," published London, 1939

Sex ist die beste Möglichkeit, einem nanobase 1997 anderen Menschen nahe zu kommen. Und ich denke, Sex ist das Einzige, das in unserer Gesellschaft noch halbwegs funktioniert. -- Michel Houellebecq

A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks up to the bar and sits down, ordering a beer for himself and one for the little Leprechaun. After a few beers, the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder, struts down the bar and comes to a stop in front of a rather large construction worker. Looking the guy right in the eye, he gives him a rather large, damp, Bronx cheer. And trots back to sit on his buddy's shoulder. The worker is pretty upset, but decides to shine on this rather offensive breach of manners. After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and walks over to his previous victim and goes "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT" again. Well, that's too much, and the victim knocks the Leprechaun off the bar and, after walking over to stand very close to the Leprechaun's escort, tells him in a rather overloud voice, that if it happens again, he's going to "cut off his little dick!" Replies the escort, "Leprechauns don't have dicks." "Yeah? Well, then," asks the big man, how does he take a piss?" "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT!!!!"

"The reason for the success of this somewhat communist-sounding strategy, while the failure of communism itself is visible around the world, is that the economics of information are fundamentaly different from those of other products." -- Bruce Perens, on Open Source software. (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun." -- Jack Handley

Did Detroit invent the back seat to destroy the morals java technology and web services of America? -- Ed Sanders

"One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes." -- Ronald Reagan

Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more than the estimate the job will cost.

Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"

It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed. One of them said, "Wow! What tits! Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with them for awhile. What are you doing this afternoon?" Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the Corps. "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt."

Hear about... the French soldier who kissed his wife's cheeks before he went to the front?

"Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of websphere for z/os v5 connectivity handbook tree." -- Professor W.

Dogs crawl under fences... en software crawls under Windows 95.

My travel agent's an Oxford chap Who rolls his eyes when he speaks. I asked him about the Isle of Man For a journey of about six weeks. And this is what he said to me As he looked me right in the eye, "For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip Of Elephant Shit On Rye." A brand-new store just opened its door At the corner of 5th and Vine And I happened to be standing right outside When they turned on their neon sign. I heard a strange sound, I looked around, And that's when I almost died, They nearly knocked me down to be the first in town To get their Elephant Shit On Rye!

Loosely confederate colors wong of Benetton

An effective way to deal with predators en is to taste terrible.

The famous Nell Gwynn, stepping one day from a house where she had made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the reason for his being in that condition, answered, "I have been fighting, madam, with an impudent rascal who called your ladyship a whore." "You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gywnn, "at this rate you must fight every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it." "Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that." -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"

Ogden's Law: five cool things about iseries access The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?

If Microsoft Owned McDonald's Source: Unknown 1. Every order would come with fries whether you asked for them or embedded linux consortium - championing the advancement of embedded linux not. 2. When they introduce McPizza, the marketing makes it seem that they invented pizza. 3. "A McDonald's on every block" -- Bill Gates. 4. You'd be constantly pressured to upgrade to a more expensive burger. 5. Sometimes you'll find that the burger box is empty. For some strange reason you'll accept this and purchase another one. 6. They'd claim the burgers are the same size as at other fast food chains, but in reality it's just a larger bun hiding the small beef patty. 7. Straws wouldn't be available until after you finish your drink. 8. "Push" technology -- they have McD employees come to your door and sell you Happy Meals. 9. Your order would never be right but the cash register would work perfectly for taking your money. 10. The "Special Sauce" cannot be reverse engineered, decompiled, or placed on more than 1 Big Mac.

All I really want in life software is a piece and some quiet.

It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the future.

This life is yours. Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself.

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. -- Woody ingres, operations management Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex"

Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.

Hear about... the swinger who labelled his little black book "Future Shack"?

Humorix Holiday Gift Idea #3 iTux Penguin Computer Price: $999.95 for base model Producer: Orange Computer, Co.; 1-800-GET-ITUX Based on the Slashdot comments, response to the Apple iMac from the Linux community was write for us lukewarm at best. Orange Computer, Co., has picked up where Apple left behind and produced the iTux computer specifically for Linux users who want to "Think a lot different". The self-contained iTux computer system is built in the shape of Tux the Penguin. Its 15 inch monitor (17 inch available next year) is located at Tux's large belly. The penguin's two feet make up the split ergonomic keyboard (without those annoying Windows keys, of course). A 36X CD-ROM drive fits into Tux's mouth. Tux's left eye is actually the reboot button (can be reconfigured for other purposes since it is rarely used) and his right eye is the power button. The iTux case opens up from the back, allowing easy access for screwdriver-wielding nerds into Tux's guts. The US$995.95 model contains an Alpha CPU and all the usual stuff found in a Linux-class machine. More expensive models, to be debuted next year, will feature dual or quad Alpha CPUs and a larger size.

Q: How many Microsoft tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Twelve. One to work the bulb, and eleven to write a 1,123 page guide to changing lightbulbs ("Learn Lightbulb Management in 21 Days").

Many people would rather die tofrodos: convert text files to/from msdos/windows/unix (freeware) than think; in fact, most do. -- Bertrand Russell

Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman, obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiousity got the best of the cigarette girl. "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman of your age living it up like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties unimpaired?" The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place about two A.M. We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl." "Why, George," she said in suprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago." "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to fail me."

Hear about... the fellow who maintains a special register of particularly accommodating girls? He refers to it as his little blew book.

First Corollary of Taber's Second Law: Machines that piss people off get murdered. -- Pat Taber

A man walks into the doctor's office and the doctor says to him, "I've got some good news and some bad news." "Tell me the good news first" the patient replies. "The good news is that your penis is going to be about two inches longer and about an inch wider," the doctor says. "That's great!" says his patient. "What's the bad news?" "Malignant."

Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The oci - news - what's new only meat that's fit to eat"

PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals.

A wonderful bird is the pelican. His mouth can hold more than his belican. He can take in his beak Enough food for a week. And I'm darned if I know how the helican.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch the mail eserver magazine carefully, although there won't be anything good in it today, either.

Brief History Of Linux (#13) Wanted: Eunuchs programmers Everything you know about the creation of the Unix operating system is wrong. We have uncovered the truth: Unix was a conspiracy hatched by Ritchie and Thompson to thwart the AT&T monopoly that they worked for. The system, code-named EUNUCHS (Electronic UNtrustworthy User-Condemning Horrible System), was horribly conceived, just as they had planned. The OS, quickly renamed to a more respectable "Unix", was adopted first by Ma Bell's Patent Department and then by the rest of the monopoly. AT&T saw an inexpensive, multi-user, portable operating system that it had all rights to; the authors, however, saw a horrible, multi-crashing system that the Evil Ma Bell Empire would become hopelessly dependent on. AT&T would go bankrupt trying to maintain the system and eventually collapse. That didn't happen. Ritchie and Thompson were too talented to create a crappy operating system; no matter how hard they tried the system was too good. Their last ditch effort to sabotage the system by recoding it obfuscated C was unsuccessful. Before long Unix spread outside of Bell Labs and their conspiracy collapsed.

Q. How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal? A. While he's not looking, switch it to "local".

Der Reingewinn ist der Teil der Bilanz, den der Vorstand beim besten Willen nicht mehr vor den Aktionären verstecken ibm privacy - united states kann. -- Carl Fürstenberg

"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous." -- Robert Benchly

If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows. -- Yiddish saying

Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body.

America has been discovered before, but it jnb-july has always been hushed up. -- Oscar Wilde

First Law of Procrastination: Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline).

Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications.)

"A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives."

Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music. Another knight stood up and claimed that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music. After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty five cool things about iseries access pound, but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffe pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."

table oracle unload xml flat file text brunette bush, n: The dark side of the moon.

A mathematician named Hall Has a hexahedronical ball, And the cube of its weight Times his pecker's, plus eight Is his phone number -- give him a call.

I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it any time!

Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. -- Oscar Wilde

Love is a word that is constantly heard, Hate is a word that is not. Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. Love, I have read, is hot. But hate is the verb that to me is superb, And Love but a drug on the mart. Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, free program (source code) checkers, debuggers and bug trackers (thefreecountry.com) But Hating, my boy, is an Art. -- Ogden Nash

Jargon Coiner (#13) An irregular feature that aims to give you advance warning of new jargon that we've just made up. * NINETY-NINERS: In 1849, a horde of people ("Forty-niners") headed to California to pan gold and get rich quick. In 1999, a horde of people ("Ninety-niners") headed to California to invest in Linux companies and get rich quick. Some things never change. * ZOO: The ubiquitous shelf of O'Reilly Animal Books that many nerds keep next to their computer * THEY'RE MULTIPLYING LIKE PORTALS: The proliferation of Linux portals that have the latest headlines from Slashdot and LinuxToday but offer little original content. * YOU CAN SPELL EVIL WITHOUT vi: A curse uttered by freshman Computer Science students struggling with vi's insert mode for the first time.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. -- Groucho Marx

"OK, so ten out of ten for style, but minus several million for good thinking, yeah? "

"Ann and I will object computing inc. carry out this equivocal message to the world. Markets must be open." George W. Bush March 2, 2001 From the President's speech delivered during the swearing-in ceremony for Ann Veneman, the new Secretary of Agriculture.

"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?" -- Reuben Flagg

VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you wouldn't want portal to be taken to the doctor's office in some of that old underwear you own.

You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help. -- Calvin

"Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers." -- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic

During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost hit my wife." "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot at mine, over there."

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.

Ever noticed how fast Windows runs? Neither i'm hung up on main memory databases did I!

A dentist, young doctor Malone, Got a charming girl patient alone, And, in his depravity, Filled the wrong cavity. God, how his practice has grown.

Magnocartic, adj.: Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"

Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.