I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was ... an arctic wilderness. -- Steve Martin
Confucius say top 25 weblogs -- past 30 days too damn much!
"`I think you ought to know that I'm feeling very depressed.'" "`Life, don't talk to me about life.'" "`Here I am, brain the size of a planet and they ask me to take you down to the bridge. Call that "job satisfaction"? 'Cos I don't.'" "`I've got this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side.'" - Guess who.
Sexual enlightenment tdwi is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon how children do not come into the world. -- Karl Kraus
"If you want an application to be portable, you don't necessarily create an abstraction layer like a microkernel so much as you program intelligently." -- Linus Torvalds on Microkernels (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)
A cute little twerp from Samoa Had a cock of one inch and no moa. It was good for keyholes And debutantes' peeholes But not worth a damn on a whoa.
Hobbes dump oracle extract unload : What if the public doesn't like your work? Calvin : They are not supposed to like it. This is avant-garde stuff! I'm criticizing the low brows who can't appreciate great art like this!
Once you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
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Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously. -- Richard Schickel
Professor: Ouch! That's going to bleed when my heart beats.
God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. -- Albert Einstein
"I wish there was a knob on the TV to java news brief::oci::september issue turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work." -- Gallagher
If I could drop dead right now, unixodbc I'd be the happiest man alive! -- Samuel Goldwyn
Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote. -- Grover Cleveland, 1905
Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control. -- J. LeBoutillier
"As he came into the light they could see his black and gold uniform on which the buttons were so highly polished that they shone with an intensity that would have made an approaching motorist flash his lights in annoyance. "
Food for thought is jdbc technology no substitute for the real thing. -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo"
Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
The attractive and grief-stricken widow had been living in seclusion at the home of her deceased husband's younger brother for several weeks. One evening, when she could no longer control her emotions, she barged into her brother-in- law's study and pleaded, "James, I want you to take off my dress." Shyly, the brother-in-law did as she requested. "Now," she continued, "take off my slip." He again complied. "And now," she said, with a slight blush, "remove my panties and bra." Once more James obeyed her command. Then, regaining her composure, she stared directly at the young man and boldly announced, "I have only one more request, James. Don't ever let me catch you wearing my things again."
An architect fellow named Yoric Could, when feeling euphoric, Display for selection Three kinds of erection- Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking for a job. He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his qualifications. sqlserver The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the white man and said: "You leave! No job!" The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but that of tribe Medicine-Man. He would convince him if the Chief would allow him to demonstrate his magic. "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief. "Oh, yeah?", said the stranger. "I'll prove it to you by making your dog, here, talk!" "Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me good. He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!" "If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger, "the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!" "Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse. He takes me up to the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty." The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk. "NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!"
In her first passion woman loves her lover, In all the others all she loves is love. -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
The only thing faster than the speed of light is shit flowing downhill. -- Mike O'Dell
Lick-a-dee-clit!
"Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it, she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'" -- special report: consumer electronics giants launch linux league David Letterman
QOTD: Sex is like everything else. To get it done right, do it yourself.
A friendly message from your Internal Revenue Service: tax time is coming again soon. Bend over.
Abstainer, n.: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed: "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men and a virgin in the whole organization."
In Devon, Connecticut, it is en unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
How about some patent on "(a+b)^2 == a^2 + 2ab + b^2"? Choose free software! -- Laurent Szyster
Money cannot buy The fuel of love but is excellent kindling. To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say, Is a keen observer of life, The word intellectual suggests right away A man who's untrue to his wife. -- W.H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems"
Dark and lonely on a summer night Kill my landlord, Kill my landlord. The watchdog barkin' Do he bite? Kill my landlord, Kill my landlord. Slip in his window. Break his neck. Then his house I start to wreck Got no reason, What the heck? Kill my landlord, Kill my landlord. C-I-L-L my landlord! -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL
"Ah, you know the j2ee forums type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers." -- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
Come up and see me sometime. Come Wednesday, that's amateur night. -- Mae West
The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed. -- Norton
If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
Ich habe eine Diaet gemacht und oracle migrate db2 mysql sybase fettem Essen und Alkohol abgeschworen - in zwei Wochen verlor ich 14 Tage.
Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen a angry penguin charging at them in excess of 100mph. They'd be a lot more careful about what they say if they eserver magazine had. -- Linus Torvalds
The five-alarm fire had been raging out of control for hours, pouring thick, black smoke over the street. At last the blaze was under control and the fire chief began accounting for his men. Two were missing, so he ordered a search. Captain Kelly finally rounded a fire truck parked in an alley and found, to his shock, one fireman with his trousers down leaning over a garbage can and another fireman screwing him in the ass. "What's the meaning of this!", the captain roared. "Jones here had passed out from smoke inhalation," the fireman on top panted. "You're supposed to give mouth to mouth resuscitation for that!" the captain yelled. "I know. That's what started this," the fireman replied.
And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed." And Jesus replied, "What?"
"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender."
San Francisco, jnb-oct n.: Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
A movinghelponline transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
Let us live!!! Let us love!!! Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! You first.
I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call each other up: You: Hello? Bob? Bob: Yes? You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to have to get back to you. Bob: Fine. -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter facts of life in bandages of self-illusion. -- H. L. Mencken
Procrastinators there do it tomorrow.
A limerick packs laughs anatomical Into space that is quite thescripts economical. But the good ones I've seen So seldom are clean, And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: DC Divide and Conquer DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key DO Divide and Overflow EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator EPI Execute Programmer Immediately EROS Erase Read Only Storage EXCE Execute Customer Engineer HCF Halt and Catch Fire IBP Insert Bug and Proceed INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out]) PBC Print and Break Chain PDSK Punch Disk
From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new experience in sound: 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading sound is normal for this type of connector.
Hear about... the plastic jamie's ms access software - contact details surgeon who hung himself?
Pessimisten sind die Optimisten mit Lebenserfahrung.
Hermes: Dating your ex, Fry? Have you lost all self-respect? Fry: All what?
A gay young prince from Morocco Made love in a manner rococco. He painted his penis fcke To resemble a venus And flavored his semen with cocoa.
How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China. The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole". Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad satiric vistas do not open up. -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
Linux - because software problems should not cost money. -- Shlomi Fish
Elliptical, n.: The reading a list of metadata collections using oledb feel of a kiss.
I have a funny daddy Who goes in and out with me And everything that baby does Daddy's sure to see, And everything that baby says, My daddy's sure to tell. You _m_u_s_t have read my daddy's verse. I hope he fries in Hell. -- Ogden Nash
A romantic attraction has clung To a chap of whom damsels have sung: "'Tis the Scourge from the East, That lascivious beast Who was known as Attila the Hung!"
He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?" She: "What do you want me to yell?" -- Benny Hill
The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was "Are you sure you're not a cop?" -- Larry Brown
I had a dream sun microsystems that all the victims of The Pill came back...boy, were they mad! -- Steven Wright
Hear about... the asktom cinema buff that's very excited by current trends in films? The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure which end it will be.
You will be misunderstood by everyone.
You are number 6! Who is number one?
Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
"However, complexity is not always the article > post > entry form enemy." -- Larry Wall (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)
All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of the United States. -- Vic Gold
What Did Santa Claus Bring You In 1999? (#1) LINUS TORVALDS: dblue - an advanced enterprise information search and delivery system Santa didn't bring me anything, but Tim O'Reilly just gave me a large sum of money to publish my new book, "Linus Torvalds' Official Guide To Receiving Fame, Fortune, and Hot Babes By Producing Your Own Unix-Like Operating System In Only 10 Years". ORDINARY LINUX HACKER: I kept hinting to my friends and family that I wanted to build my own Beowulf Cluster. My grandmother got mixed up and gave me a copy of "Beowulf's Chocolate Cluster Cookbook". I like chocolate, but I would've preferred silicon. LINUX LONGHAIR: My friends sent me a two-year subscription to several Ziff-Davis publications, much to my dislike. I don't want to read Jesse Berst's rants against Linux, or John Dvorak's spiels about how great Windows 2000 is. Still, I suppose this isn't so bad. Ziff-Davis glossy paper makes an excellent lining for fireplaces.
He whom opens thee Windows invites the computersandjunk bugs in.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
A sheriff arrived at the scene of the horrible accident just as his deputy, all alone, was climbing down from the controls of a bulldozer. "Say, Junior, what's goin' on?" asked the sheriff. "A bus full of migrant workers went out of control and over the cliff, and I just finished buryin' 'em," explained the deputy. "Good work, boy," replied the sheriff. "Pretty gory work -- were all of 'em dead?" Junior nodded sadly and said, "Some of them said they weren't, but you know how them Mex'cans lie."
San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. -- Herb Caen
All the world's a VAX, And all linuxdevices.com -- your embedded linux resource the coders merely butchers; They have their exits and their entrails; And one int in his time plays many widths, His sizeof being _N bytes. At first the infant, Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, And shining morning face, creeping like slug Unwillingly to school. -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
Bender: If it ain't black and white, java news brief::oci::january issue peck, scratch and bite.
A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20: Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it." -- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to. -- Albuquerque Journal
Down with categorical imperative!
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny-- Did you ever try buying them without money? -- Ogden Nash
Hear that... the only thing worse than coming home with lipstick on your collar
New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area. -- Monty Python's Big Red Book
If you're Catholic you've only got two choices: periodic abstinence and complete continence. postgresql: the world's most advanced open source database You know ... rhythm and blues.
when i die, i'd like to go peacefully. in my sleep. like my grandfather. not screaming, like the passengers in his car...
Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they were rear-ended by a huge semi. Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck driver. "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked. Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl, "Ah, why doncha suck my cock." "Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going to be able to settle out of court."
"Whatever it took to help Taiwan defend theirself." George W. Bush April 25, 2001 Speaking on CBS's Good Morning America. Describing the United States' commitment to the defense of Taiwan.
Dial 911. Make a privacy policy cop come.
A huge-organed female in Dallas, Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus, Was virgo intacto, Because, ipso facto, No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
If you could get an tablesi erection, you would have no need for Emacs.
Leela: "Are you real, or am I seeing single?" Alcazar: "Ow. Of course I'm real." Leela: "After all this time, somebody else with one eye who isn't a clumsy carpenter or a kid with a BB gun."
A lady while dining at Crewe Found an elephant's whang in her stew. Said the waiter, "Don't shout, And don't wave it about, Or the others will all want one too."
Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"?
Some things have to be believed beaconlaw to be seen.
Then there was the girl who was engaged to a gymnast -- 'til he broke it off.
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun." -- Jack Handley
Vote early and vote often. -- Al Capone's slogan for Big sastools Bill Thompson's anti-reform campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won.
A father doesn't destroy his children. -- Lt. Carolyn Palamas, "Who Mourns for Adonais?", stardate 3468.1.
Ein Friedlicher ist einer, der sich totschiessen laesst, um zu beweisen, dass der andere annuaire ein Agressor gewesen ist. -- Ludwig Marcuse
Hire the morally handicapped.
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." -- Matt Groening
"APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I can't read articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml any of them." -- Roy Keir
Who wouldn't be interested in everything we do?! sams publishing -- Calvin
Flon's Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml drawn enough blood to kill him. -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac"
"It runs like _x, where _x is microsoft access 2002 training course something unsavory" -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks.