Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Don't change the reason, just change the use these listings to locate free embedded linux resources on the web ... excuses! -- Joe Cointment

[The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful for impotency. -- Winston Churchill

I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party. -- Dennis Ritchie

A remarkable race frost names ibm leader in identity and access management software are the Persians, They have such peculiar diversions. They screw the whole day In the regular way, And save up the nights for perversions.

"Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is for diet Coke." -- Malcolm DacDougall

Manual, n.: A unit of sql server worldwide user group help center (sql server, oracle, db2, xml) documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information you need in in the others. -- Ray Simard

C:\WINDOWS>DEL *.* I feel better now.

If oracle export table text xml today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was yesterday?

There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world, the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes.

ibm ices competition with record-breaking linux database performance; db2 ice delivers top cluster performance for the price of a single system A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird.

Know her mind and you can have her body, know her heart what's in your database? find out with the schema api in ado.net 2.0 and you have her soul.

"Taxes should hurt. I just mailed my own tax return last night and I am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone." -- Ronald Reagan

A secretary entered her boss's office with the announcement: "I have some good news and some bad news." He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally -- just the good news." She replied, "You're not sterile."

Hear about... the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his javaone wife so he fired them?

Q: What is the difference between snow-men and snow-women? A: Snowballs!

"God gives burdens; also shoulders" Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why would he lie about a thing like that? -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"

A maiden who wrote of big cities Some songs full of love, fun and pities, Sold her stuff at the shop Of a musical wop Who played with her soft little titties.

Linux Drinking Game (Abridged) With a group of friends, take turns reading articles about Linux from popular media sources (Ziff-Davis AnchorDesk is recommended) or postings on Usenet (try alt.fan.bill-gates). If the author says one of the things below, take a drink. Continue until everyone involved is plastered. - Linux will never go mainstream - Any platform that can't run Microsoft Office [or some other Microsoft "solution"] sucks - Linux is hard to install - Linux tech support is lacking - No one ever got fired for choosing Microsoft - Any OS with a command line interface is primitive - Microsoft is an innovative company - Could you get fired for choosing Linux? - Linux was created by a bunch of snot-nosed 14 year old hackers with acne and no life - Security through obscurity is the way to go - Linus and Unix are 70s technology while NT is 90s technology - All Linux software must be released under the GPL - Linux is a great piece of shareware

Eat prune yogurt for that "get up oci - about oci - corporate profile and go" feeling.

I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown ... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today. When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin, were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous conversation ... -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"

An irate young lady named Booker Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker! If you want it queer ways, Go to whores for your lays!" So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er.

Brief History Of Linux (#2) Hammurabi's Open-Source Code Hammurabi became king of Babylonia around 1750BC. Under his reign, a sophisticated legal code developed; Version 1, containing 282 clauses, was carved into a large rock column open to the public. However, the code contained several errors (Hammurabi must have been drunk), which numerous citizens demanded be fixed. One particularly brave Babylonian submitted to the king's court a stack of cloth patches that, when affixed to the column, would cover up and correct the errors. With the king's approval, these patches were applied to the legal code; within a month a new corrected rock column (Version 2.0) was officially announced. While future kings never embraced this idea (who wanted to admit they made a mistake?), the concept of submitting patches to fix problems is now taken for granted in modern times.

A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered by the side of the street. Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?" "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?" "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a gallon or two."

I think that I shall never see A thing as lovely as a tree. But as you see the trees have gone They went this morning with the dawn. A logging firm from out of town Came and products chopped the trees all down. But I will trick those dirty skunks And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.

Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are. -- Erik Satie

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. -- H. L. Mencken

Chicago has journalists' bars, ethnic bars, neighborhood bars, even midget bars, hundreds, maybe thousands of bars, on on every neighborhood block. I was drinking on afternoon in O'Rourke's, a bar on the Near North side. It was dark and empty, which suited my mood. A fat, stubble-bearded, middle-aged man waddled in, took the stool next to mine, and ordered a beer. He was completely unremarkable, except that he was dressed, head to toe, in a white-lace wedding gown. After a silence, I said, "Been to a wedding?" He brushed back his veil, rustled his petticoats and said, "Uh... yeah." He silently finished his drink and left. The bartender said, "You know, even the transvestites in this town have five o'clock shadows."

A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty comes most easily to those who have no taste dba-oracle for it. -- Oscar Wilde

Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out.

"`This must be Thursday,' said Arthur to himself, sinking low over his beer, `I never could get the hang of Thursdays.'" - Arthur, on what was to be his last Thursday on Earth.

C:\WINDOWS>DEL *.* I feel cognos announces extended agreement with ibm better now.

horny, adj.: When your cock gets hard if the wind blows.

"That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be omnipotent, let me tell you 'tabernacle' has only one l." -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"

You free emulators and virtual machines (virtualizers) (thefreecountry.com) are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.

Hear about... the plastic surgeon who hung himself?

All language designers are arrogant. Goes with the territory... :-) bgs-soft -- Larry Wall in <1991Jul13.010945.19157@netlabs.com

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" George W. Bush January 11, 2000 From a speech delivered in Florence, South Carolina, and as reported in the Los Angeles Times on January 14, 2000.

The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child, was propounded to me by my father: "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?" I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity gave up. "A herring," said my father. "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" "So hang it there." "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. "Paint it." "But a herring isn't wet." "If it's just painted it's still wet." "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "a herring doesn't whistle!!" "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard." -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"

Mut setzt die Kenntnis von Gefahr voraus.

Confucious say: man books & authors who kiss girl's behind, get crack in face.

Ne Ente, die sich nicht wehrt, landet im Herd!

Is it a right to remain ignorant? -- Calvin

For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.

Appointment book: The reference of last resort when trying to duck undesired invitations ("Gee, the soonest I can pencil you i'm hung up on main memory databases in is December, 2004"), or when trying to figure out what the hell it was you did during the past year.

database Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.

Hear about... the fine, upstanding young woman who's wonderful laying down?

"It's easier said than done." ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than done".

"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..."

While farmers free compilers and interpreters for programming languages (thefreecountry.com) generally allow one rooster for ten hens, ten men are scarcely sufficient to service one woman. -- Boccaccio

Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.

You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.

sql server db2 oracle migrate A pretty young boy known as Kevin Was raped in a pasture by seven Lascivious beasts (Oh, those Anglican priests) And such is the Kingdom of Heaven.

A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.

Q: How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus? A: As much as he wants.

"I took the initiative in creating the Internet." -- Al Gore "Today I am one of the senior technical cadre that makes the Internet work, and a core Linux and open-source developer. I have closely studied the history of the Internet technical culture." -- Eric S. Raymond

"So I decided that if the architecture is fundamentally sane enough, say it follows some basic rules like it supported paging, then I would be able to say, yes, Linux fundamentally supports that model." -- Linus Torvalds on Portability (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)

Jargon Coiner (#5) An irregular feature that aims to give you advance warning of new jargon that we've just made up. * DUKE OF URL: A person who publishes their Netscape bookmark file on their homepage. * WWWLIZE (pronounced wuh-wuh-wuh-lize): Habit of unconsciously appending www. in front of URLs, even when it's not necessary. * DUBYA-DUBYA-DUBYA: Common pronounciation of "double-u double-u double-u" when orally specifying a wwwlized address. * ADVOIDANCE: iding a particularly annoying advertising banner by dragging another window over it, or by placing your hand on the monitor to weblogs by subject (aka topic) cover it up. Example: "Bob advoided any Microsoft banners he came across."

In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.

Pompoir: The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all. 'She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with a finger, opening and shutting at her pleasure, and finally acting as the hand of the Gopala-girl who milks the cow. This can be learned only by long practice, and especially by throwing the will into the part affected, even as men endeavor to sharpen their hearing... Her husband will then value her above all other women, nor would he exchange her for the most beautiful queen in the Three Worlds... Among some races the constrictor vaginae muscles are abnormally developed. In Abyssinia for instance, a woman can so exert them as to cause pain to a man, and when sitting on his thighs, she can induce orgasm without moving any other part of her person. Such an artist is called by the Arabs Kabbazah, literally, a holder, and it's not surprising that slave dealers pay large sums for her' Thus Richard Burton. It has nothing to do with 'race' but a lot to do with practice. See exercises. -- The Joy of Sex

Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.

Fry: Hey, why are writing for sswug.org those kids following you? Do you have candy stuck to your ass?

A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians. This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the following sunrise. That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate the following morning. The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time. When the dog is brought by the Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear. At once the dog runs off over the hill. Amazingly enough, a few hours later, he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town. Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night. When the dog is brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it right this time -- go into town and get the posse!"

A certain bartender decided to try to get a few new customers into his bar by starting a gimmick involving a horse. His claim was that if anyone could get the horse to laugh, he would give them drinks on the house. The idea worked well and business improved until one night a young man walked in and whispered in the horse's ear. The horse immediately burst into hysterical laughter and the man won the contest. The next night the same thing happened: the man whispered in the horse's ear and the horse burst out laughing. The next night, the bartender decided to change the rules. Now, a person had to get the horse to cry in order to win the drinks on the house. Later on that night, the same guy came in and said "Can I take the horse into the bathroom for a minute? I promise I'll make him cry." The bartender agreed and sure enough, when the man came out leading the horse, the horse was crying his eyes out. The bartender could take it no more and said, "How did you make him laugh the other two nights?" "I told him that my dick was bigger than his", replied the man. "How did you make him cry tonight?" "I proved it."

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." George W. Bush August 17, 1993 Comment the learning center store made to ABC's Sam Donaldson.

Janitor: Oh, marmalade!

You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.

Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis. It makes sense, when you don't think about it.

Leela: "It's amazing that your people can fall a tale of two authors in love so fast." Zoidberg: "Love? That word is unknown here. I'm simply looking for a female swollen with eggs to accept my genetic material." Fry: "You and me both, brother."

Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying.

REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system? SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away." I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political career be being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I can't help it. -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"

Close the door, let me give you most popular articles on sql server, oracle and xml what you've been waiting for!!

Fry: Ow, my head! Ow, my feet! Ow, my head! Ow, my feet! Professor: Keep your chin up. Fry: Ow, my chin!

Q: What's a JAP's (Jewish American Princess) dream house? A: Fourteen rooms in Scarsdale, no kitchen, no bedroom.

Whatever happened to the good old days when sex was dirty and asktom the air was clean?

Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.

Not everyone has a one-track mind. -- From a Bisexuality 101 talk

A geneticist living in Delft Scientifically played with himself, And when he was done He labled it: son, And filed him away on a shelf.

A hardware debugger named Court Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port. But its buffer array Only handled 1K, So the port's driver cut five cool things about iseries access it off short.

Windows: gesehen, gelacht, gelöscht.

There's more than one way to skin a cat: Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this little bird and the tdwi sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. There are three morals to this story: (1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. (2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend. (3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

"I don't know whether I'm going to win or not. I think I am. I do know I'm ready for the job. And if not, that's just the way it goes." George W. Bush August 21, 2000

Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there. -- Sydney J. Harris

6802 hackers make great use articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml of the SEX instruction.

An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an hour seems like a minute." The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"

It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets," thought Frito. -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"

That segment of the community with which one has the greatest sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community.

I don't have to be faster than a bullet, I just have to be faster than the guy with the gun.

Humans have been humans for a long time now, but we don't seem to be getting any books & authors better at it.

You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you up in the bar last night?" "Uh-huh," the elephant replies. "Did I bring you home?" "Uh-huh." "Did we, uh, fool around?" "Uh-huh." "Lord, I must have been tight!" "Not any more."

Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they will find an easier way to do it.

A teacher announces to her class, "Children, the student who can name the greatest man who ever lived will win a shiny red apple." Immediately an Italian boy raises his hand. "Yes, Tony?" "Christopher Columbus!" says Tony. "Well," says the teacher, "Christopher Columbus was a very great man, but I don't think he was the greatest man who ever lived." From the back of the room little Bernie Goldstein raises his hand. "Yes, Bernie?" "Jesus Christ", says Bernie. "That is correct, Bernie," pronounces the teacher. "And here is your apple." When Bernie gets up to the front of the room to claim his prize, the teacher says, "Bernie, given the fact that you're Jewish, I'm surprised that you thought Jesus was the greatest wisdomforce man who ever lived." "Well, actually," replies Bernie, "I do think Moses had the edge, but business is business."

Life is like a cucumber -- one moment it's in your hand, the next it's up your ass.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. -- Tennessee Williams

"He expanded his chest to make it totally clear that here was the sort of man you only dared to cross if you had a team of Sherpas with you. "

Leela: You guys distract the were-car, and I'll kill it by plugging its articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml exhaust pipe with this silver potato.

Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom. -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed.

Never trust an operating system you don't have sources for.

Life is a shit sandwich, and every day you get to take another bite. It's just that some days are TWO BITE days ...

Nuke the firefox - rediscover the web gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus.

A reckless young lady of France Had no qualms about taking a chance, But she thought it was crude To get screwed in the nude, So she always went home with damp pants.

Wir wissen zwar nicht, was wir embedded linux distributions quick reference guide wollen, aber das wollen wir mit voller Kraft.

God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. -- Albert Einstein

On the subject of C program indentation: "In php tutorial: writing your first php script: a feedback form (a formmail script) (thesitewizard.com) My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt." -- Blair P. Houghton

Real Users hate Real Programmers.

"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it." -- Dave Barry

A drunk was sitting at the end of the bar in a popular single's place, watching a young, good-looking man working his way through the women. The guy didn't appear to be having much luck, and he was only spending a few moments with each woman. As he worked his way closer, while he couldn't hear what the young man was saying, he realized that the women were somewhat shocked at his approach. Finally, the man approaches a pretty brunette and they hit it off immediately. After a bit of quiet conversation, she handed the young man her hotel key and they started off for the elevators. As they passed the drunk, he stopped the lucky one and asked him what his method was. "Well," the man replied, "It's simple. You say 'Tickle your ass with a feather?' If she sounds interested, you take it from there. If she sounds angry, you smile and say 'Typically nasty weather.'" The drunk says "Ohhhhh, got it, I got it!" and walks over to a woman at the end of the bar to try out his new approach. Getting her attention, he smiles and says "Fuck me!" "What?!?!?" she screams. "Raining like hell, isn't it?"

The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I want the job. -- Ronald Reagan in 1973 Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he would have lost. -- Mort Sahl Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art. -- Gore Vidal Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and I need a lot of sleep. -- Roy G. Blount, Jr. You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him accurately it's called mudslinging. -- Walter Mondale

Confucious say: man who make oral love linking suggestions: how to link to thefreecountry.com to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.

How soon can you have sexual relations after your wife delivers? Well, depends on if she's in a ward or a private room.

Well, this woman went to the butcher shop to get some ham for dinner. She asked the butcher what kind of ham he recommended, and the butcher said, "Well ma'am, we got some Damn ham here for $3.50 a pound..." Needless to say, she was surprised at the butcher's language! The butcher, who was reasonably astute, sams publishing noticed the alarmed look on the woman's face, and quickly justified himself. "No, no, ma'am, I wasn't cursin', the NAME of this here ham is "Damn ham". Amused, the woman requested some "Damn ham." That night, before dinner, the woman took her husband aside and explained what had happened at the butcher shop. He also was amused, and suggested that they play a joke on their son. So, at dinner, after grace, the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham." Their son looked up, surprised. "WHOAH! Dad be gettin' hip! How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?"

All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most ridiculous ones. -- La Rochefoucauld

It's not that I'm afraid to die. free cd and dvd burning (writing) and copying software (thefreecountry.com) I just don't want to be there when it happens. -- Woody Allen

"Algorithms" is an anagram for free pascal and delphi libraries and source code (thefreecountry.com) "Hilt orgasm". Maybe this explains the popularity of this field of study in computer science.

AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!

What If Bill Gates Was a Stand-Up Comedian? 1. None of his jokes would be funny. 2. Subliminal message hyping Microsoft and Windows 98 would be inserted throughout his performance. 3. The audio system (running Windows NT) would always crash right before Bill got to a punch line. At that time one of the managers would announce, "Please hold tight while we diagnose this intermittent issue." 4. Tickets for Bill's show would be handed out for free in an attempt to attract customers away from Netscape's shows. 5. Industry pundits would call Bill's show "innovative" and would ask "Why doesn't IBM have a stand-up routine? This is exactly why OS/2 is failing in the market." 6. Bill's show would be called "ActiveHumor 98" 7. In a perfect imitation of his Windows 95 OS, Bill wouldn't be able to tell a joke and walk around at the same time. 8. Audience members would have to sign a License Agreement in which one of the terms is "I agree never to watch Linus Torvalds' show, 'GNU/Humorux'". 9. All audience members would receive a free CD of Internet Explorer 4.0, with FakeJava(R) and ActiveHex(tm) technology. 10. Bill Gates would appear on Saturday Night Live, causing ratings to drop even further.

Wethern's Law: sponsor > view > logos Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be bothered with sex and all that sort of thing. -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"

Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they will find an easier way to do it.

Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole? A: Hot cross bunnies!

"He stood up straight and looked the world squarely in the fields and hills. To add weight to his words he stuck the rabbit bone in his hair. He spread his arms out wide. `I will go mad!' he announced." - Arthur discovering a way of coping with life on Prehistoric Earth.

"I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'" "Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of dairy products." -- The Life of Brian

Two Peace Corps doctors who had just returned to a stateside hospital were in front of the main desk in the midst of a heated argument that went along these lines: (1st doctor) "No, no, no! It's 'waaaahmmmb'" (2nd doctor) "No you're wrong! It's 'woooooommmb'" and this continued for quite sometime. Finally a nurse stepped in and said: "The correct pronunciation is 'womb'" and trotted off. (1st doctor) "That shows you what she knows." (2nd doctor) "Yeah. I bet she's never even SEEN a hippopotamus, let alone heard one fart underwater."

Lieber Glatze, als gar keine Haare!

The difference between her and the Titanic is that only 1100 reference men went down on the Titanic.

Hear about... the couple on the stalled elevator who got off between floors?

While sitting 'neath an oak one morn In thought on this and that, A tiny, twitt'ring little bird "Oh tiny bird, O Nature's gift A load dropped in my hat. Of music and of wit! Why didst thou feel that my best hat "Thy music gladdens my poor soul, Was thy best place to shit?" And brings joy to my heart. But tell me, little bird divine, The tiny bird a few notes sang, Why didst thou not just fart?" Then answer'd "Pardon me, For thy hat I thought was my nest, I rose and stood in solemn awe A-fallen from the tree." His words to better mull, Then lifted up a paving block And crushed redhat his fucking skull. -- Bill Wordsworth, "A Tiny Twitt'ring Bird"

Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'! Well, you can call me 'Ray', or you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R.J.', or you can call me 'Ray J.', or you can call me 'R.J.J.', or you can call me hughes technologies : the home of mini sql (msql) 'Ray J. Johnson', or you can call me 'R.J. Johnson', but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'...

Great minds run in great circles.

Paul: If rubbin' frozen dirt in your crotch is wrong, hey, I don't wanna be right.

Beneath this stone a virgin lies, For her life held no terrors. A virgin born, a virgin died: No hits, no runs, no errors.

Iles's Law: There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it. Neither will Iles.

REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system? sun microsystems SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away." I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political career be being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I can't help it. -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. -- Woody Allen

"Zaphod grinned two manic comments and feedback page grins, sauntered over to the bar and bought most of it." - Zaphod in paradise.

Patageometry, n.: php tutorial: writing your first php script: a feedback form (a formmail script) (thesitewizard.com) The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant under brain transplants.

In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead. -- Egyptian Book of the Dead

Absentee, n.: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

"Calling J-Man Kink. Calling firebird - relational database for the new millenium J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept."

Never trust an operating system you don't have sources for.

You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.

Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark.

Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer.

It is better to have a positive Wasserman than oracle never to have loved at all.

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? A: So she can moan with the other!

Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true, Daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw? I really must beg your pardon, But I've got a hell of a hard-on, From beating my meat, against the seat, Of a bicycle built for two. -- "Daisy, Daisy", "The Dirty Song Book"