A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

"I made the decision to name the Justice sql server magazine offer details Department building after Robert Kennedy because he's deservant." George W. Bush November 20, 2001 Speaking to reporters in the Oval Office about his decision to name the Justice Dept. building after former U.S. Attorney General, Robert Kennedy. Aired on CNN.

Men are superior to women. technical topics - desktop -- The Koran

Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. Violators will be prosecuted. (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))

"Bender, I don't care whether you have money. I love you for your artificial intelligence and your sincerity simulator." -Countess de la Roca

Newsflash: Apparently the rapture did occur last Tuesday as was originally predicted. All true believers were transported to heaven while the rest of us were left behind to await the Anti-Christ and the end of the world. Widespread reports that the rapture had not occurred stemmed from expectations that the effect would be more widespread than it turned out to be. The definition of "true believer" was apparently more php tutorial part 2: form validation, disabling browser caching, embedding html code (thesitewizard.com) restrictive than expected, however, and the only qualifiers were a family of five, living in Stenton, North Dakota.

A pretty young lady named Vogel Once sat herself down on a molehill. free cd and dvd burning (writing) and copying software (thefreecountry.com) A curious mole Nosed into her hole -- Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.

Goldfish: Two naked people tied and put on a mattress together to make love "fish fashion" (ie: no hands). Originally a nineteenth-century bordel joke. It can be done (if you are the victims, try on your sides from behind). Venerable party game, but don't play it with strangers, or leave players unsupervised, even briefly. There was a nice spoof on this sex stunt in the movie "Soldier Blue". A good many women can get an orgasm from this simply by struggling, especially if you put them in front of a mirror. Don't both tie yourselves, even if you can manage it -- you might not be able to get loose. -- The Joy of Sex

You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost.

Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from related technologies the weather, and exposing them to the critic. -- Ambrose Bierce

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography. -- Ambrose Bierce

Hacking's just another word for java news brief::oci::february issue nothing left to kludge.

"I'm a strong candidate because I come from the baby-boomer generation; recognizing that we've got to usher javahispano in an era of responsible behavior." George W. Bush April 27, 2000 Comment from an interview on The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer.

Nothing I do is my fault. -- Calvin

I have plenty of common sense, I just choose to ignore beaconlaw it. --- Calvin

A timid young woman named Jane Found parties a terrible strain; With movements uncertain She'd hide in a curtain And make sounds like a rabbit in pain. -- Edward Gorey

The girls that go to see a man's etchings may not know art ... but they know what they like!

Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#9) Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade. Question 9: Which of the following do you prefer as a replacement for the current Microsoft slogan? A. "Over 20 Years of Innovation" B. "Wintel Inside" C. "Your Windows And Gates To The World" D. "Because Anti-Trust Laws Are Obsolete" E. "One Microsoft Way. It's Much More Than An Address!" F. "This Motto Is Not Anti-Competitive. And Neither Is Microsoft." G. "Fighting the Department of Injustice Since Day One"

I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass. -- Senator Barry Goldwater, commenting on Jerry Falwell's suggestion that all good Christians should be against Sandra Day O'Connor's nomination to the Supreme Court

Cat, n.: Lapwarmer experts-exchange with built-in buzzer.

Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. The Italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold watch. The next day, in school, the two boys are showing each other what they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and so they trade. That night, the Italian boy is at home and his father sees him looking at his new watch. "Where did you getta thatta watch?" he asks. The boy explains the trade, and the father blows his top. "Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you!" "Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, `How longa you gonna be?'"

I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call each other up: You: Hello? Bob? Bob: Yes? You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to have to get back to you. Bob: Fine. -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"

Save energy: be apathetic.

I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.

Eisenhower was very nice, Nixon was his only forums vice. -- C. Degen

Wenn ich jetzt sterben müsste, würde ich sagen Das war alles? und Ich habe es nicht richtig verstanden! und Es war ein bisschen laut! -- Kurt Tucholsky

If a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. -- T. Cheatham

Corrupt, adj.: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.

Expect the worst, it's the least you it & management articles can do.

Fan: "Aha ha, fan beats man."

You will gain money by an illegal action.

It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were misinterpreted ... -- Douglas Admas "The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The Galaxy"

"Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he had actually implicationed. "If that is how free pascal compilers, free delphi compilers (thefreecountry.com) General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first." -- The Guardian

"If only he had joined a mainstream religion, like Oprahism or Voodoo." -Professor

Are you a turtle?

Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.

Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerers of human misery and shame, and my breath came the learning center store in little gasps. If I had not known that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the holy words, "Heil Hitler!" -- George Lincoln Rockwell

A clever prophet makes sure of the jnb-july event first.

James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total indifference to public notice to be universally recognized. -- Tom Stoppard

Sobald der Mensch in topical articles, news and juicy gossip (thefreecountry.com) Zorn geraet, geraet er in Irrtum. -- Talmud

It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and object computing inc. neither shall proceed until the other has gone.

As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."

Christmas comes but once a year, A time for love and laughter; You can come much more than that, But you have to clean up after.

Schoene Worte sind nicht wahr. Wahre Worte sind nicht schoen. -- Lao-Tse

Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good offense!

Ein Friedlicher ist einer, embedded linux distributions quick reference guide der sich totschiessen laesst, um zu beweisen, dass der andere ein Agressor gewesen ist. -- Ludwig Marcuse

In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.

Coito ergo sum.

Mother is articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml the invention of necessity.

Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen a angry penguin charging at them in excess of 100mph. They'd be a lot more careful about what they say if they had. -- Linus Torvalds

"Hurry up! I wanna see the moon." -Fry "Relax. It's open 'till nine." -Leela

France is a country where the money archive of published articles and code samples falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper. -- Billy Wilder

"Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources." -- Ronald Reagan, noted ecologist and former President

Right now hundreds of Anonymous Cowards are cheering the fact that only Windows boobs are victims of ILOVEYOU and other email viruses. I realize Outlook is so insecure that using it is like posting a sign outside your door saying, "DOOR UNLOCKED -- ROB ME!". However, Linux isn't immune. If I had a dollar for every pine buffer overflow uncovered, I could buy a truckload of fresh herring. I expect the next mass email virus to spread will be cross-platform. If the recipient is a Windows/Outlook luser, they'll get hit. If the recipient is a Linux/pine user, they'll find themselves staring at a self-executing bash script that's has just allocated 1 petabyte of memory and crashed the system (or worse). Either that or the next mass email virus will only damage Linux systems. I can just see Bill Gates assigning jamie's software - message board some junior programmer that very task. Be afraid. Be very afraid. -- A speech given at the First Annual Connecticut Conspiracy] Convention (ConConCon) by an anonymous creature said to be "wearing what appeared to be a tuxedo".

Professor: "A iseries information center toast to Leela. She showed us it's wrong to eat certain things."

Demokratie ist wie Sex. Ist sie gut, ist sie sehr gut. Ist sie nicht so gut, ist sie immer noch ganz gut.

Another Glitch in the Call ------- ------ -- --- ---- (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.) We don't need no indirection We don't need no flow control No data typing or declarations Did you leave the lists alone? Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone! Chorus: All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.

Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he best-data-warehouse-online leaves a pyramid.

"A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives."

Champagne don't make me lazy. Cocaine don't drive products me crazy. Ain't nobody's business but my own. -- Taj Mahal

A liberal is a man oci - news - what's new too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel. -- Robert Frost

"Oops, I always forget the purpose of competition is to divide people into winners and losers." -Hobbes being sarcastic

"You subscribe politics to it. I subscribe freedom to it." George W. Bush April 6, 2000 Referring to the Elian Gonzalez negotiations in Miami, Florida. Reported by the Associated Press.

Turn your Pentium into an XT -- just add Windows!

Sex ist das der Glueckseligkeit Verwandteste. Gut moeglich, dass es sich dabei um einen Trick der Natur handelt. Aber dann ist es ein verdammt guter Trick. -- John Updike

tearing off a snaps quicky: Gunning the jump.

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your principals or your mistress".

Behold the software warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.

For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned.

The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his door with a basket of kittens. "Hello, little girl, what do you have there?" "These are my Democratic kittens," she replied. Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens. "My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said. "No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered. "Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled. "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed."

Humans have been humans for a long time products now, but we don't seem to be getting any better at it.

"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door."

Science is what happens wisdomforce when preconception meets verification.

The broad mass of a nation... will more easily fall victim to a big lie than to a small one. -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"

Eine Illusion zu verlieren, heisst um eine Wahrheit reicher zu werden.

"Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee, "I want to confess some affairs that I've had in the past." "But you told me comments and feedback page all about those a few weeks ago," her young man replied. "Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago."

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. -- George Wald

Und eine Stimme sprach: lächle und sei glücklich, es könnte schlimmer kommen... und ich lächelte und war glücklich, und es kam schlimmer

Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphrams. -- Robin Williams

Schweine, die brutzeln, pfeifen nicht!

Hear about... the careless canary that did it for a lark?

British Israelites: The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"

Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won.

Bill Gates to sql server worldwide user's group - privacy policy his broker: "You idiot, I said $150 million on SNAPPLE!!!"

Change your thoughts and you change your world.

It's just a jump to the left And then a step to the right. Put your hands on your hips And pull your knees in tight. It's the pelvic thrust That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! -- Rocky Horror Picture Show

Love is a word that is constantly heard, Hate is a word that is not. Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. Love, I have read, is hot. But hate is the verb that to me is superb, And Love but a drug on the mart. Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, But Hating, my boy, is an Art. -- Ogden Nash

h21007 "I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it (your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage." -- English Professor, Providence College

Lebe so als sei jeder Tag dein letzter - eines Tages wirst Du recht haben.

Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.

A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.

successful cunnilingus: When you wake up the next weblogs by subject (aka topic) morning with a face like a frosted doughnut.

You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt. -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Linux, because we don't need no steenkin' Blue Screen of Death!

When I was coming out, the single most common reaction was a question: "Oh, well ... have you really thought about this?" delivered with solemn concern. I never did figure out a good reply; I finally settled on a disbelieving stare, which usually provoked a change of topic. I always *wanted* to say "Gee, no! I just woke up one morning and thought, 'Gosh, it's been such fun being a boy, I guess I'll try being a girl for a while!' Don't you think it's a neato idea?" But these were *friends* -- clueless, it's true, but trying to comprehend in a moment what I'd struggled to not comprehend for thirty years ... they didn't deserve that. -- Anonymous transsexual woman

One bhogal advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening. -- Franklin P. Jones

"California is proud to be the home of the freeway." -- Ronald Reagan

Hartley's Second Law: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. My corollary: The completely psychotic have all the fun.

"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use." database template library programmer's guide -- Galileo Galilei

Inter-Dwarf Memo To: Dwarf-list From: Doc Re: S. White If that bitch cleans one more thermometer with Ajax, I'm gonna kill her. I'll give her apples, nice big apples. With surprises inside. Yeah, surprises.

As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, "that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ... -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"

What is a promiscuous person -- it's usually someone who is getting more sex than you are. -- Victor Lownes, quoted in "In and Out: Debrett 1980-81", by N. Mackwood

Here's to the girl that's sweet, Here's to the girl that's true, Here's to the girl in all our hearts... In other words, guys, what do you say we all go downtown for the rest of the night?

God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on where to go. "Why not go to Jupiter?" use these listings to locate commercial products ... asked St. Peter. "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God. "Well, how about Mercury?" "No, it's too hot there." "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?" "No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're still talking about it."

Fan: "Aha ha, fan beats man."

Old McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O! And on this farm he had some chicks, E-I-E-I-O! With a chick-chick here, And a chick-chick there, Here a chick, There a chick, Everywhere a chick-chick, Old McDonald lost his farm 'Cause he had too many chicks!

No matter how clever the hardware boys are, the software boys piss it away.

"Bachelor Chow. Now with flavor." -announcer

Howe's Law: Everyone has a redhat scheme that will not work.

masturbation, n.: A self-service elevator.

Mom's son: "Hell hath no fury like the vast robot armies of a woman scorned."

"My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!" -- Zippy the Pinhead

For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...