Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as happy in the arms of a chambermaid as a duchess. -- Dr. Johnson

An innocent maiden named Herridge Was cruelly tricked ito marriage; When she later found out What her spouse was about, implementing web applications with cm information integrator for content and ondemand web enablement kit She threw herself under a carriage. -- Edward Gorey

You are without a doubt a rogue, a rascal, a villain, a thief, a scoundrel, and a mean, dirty, stinking, sniveling, sneaking, pimping, pocketpicking, thrice double-damned, no-good son-of-a-bitch.

Invasion of the Dancing Penguin Those annoying, dancing cartoon characters embedded in software applications are no longer confined to Microsoft programs. They have entered the realm of Linux. A new Linux distribution under development, called LinTux, promises to provide a more "user-friendly" environment through its "Dancing Penguin" assistant. Dancing Tux will "guide" users through the installation process and will be a permanent fixture of the X root window. The LinTux staff demonstrated a prototype version of the Dancing Tux program to this Humorix reporter. It was certainly impressive, but, like the Dancing Paper Clip in Microsoft Office, it becomes annoying very fast. The one redeeming feature of LinTux is that, when the system is idle, Dancing Tux becomes a make-shift screen saver. The animations included in the prototype were quite amusing. For instance, in one scene, Tux chases Bill Gates through an Antarctic backdrop. In another animation, Tux can be seen drinking beers with his penguin pals and telling Microsoft jokes.

Sex ist das der Glueckseligkeit Verwandteste. Gut moeglich, dass es sich dabei um einen Trick der Natur handelt. Aber dann ist es ein verdammt guter Trick. -- John Updike

"C'mon guys. Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1999...again." -Fry "I'm gonna drink 'till I reboot." -Bender

A tablesi city is a large community where people are lonesome together -- Herbert Prochnow

What are YOU doing to oppose the Microsoft Juggernaut?

what's in dave's spare room? Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.

"Computers and automation have become so ingrained and essential to day-to-day business that a sensible business should not rely on a single vendor to provide essential services........Thus it is always in a customers' interests to demand that the software they deploy be based on non-proprietary platforms." -- Brian Behlendorf on OSS (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)

100 buckets of bits on the bus 100 buckets of bits Take one down, short it to ground FF buckets of bits on the bus FF buckets of bits on the bus FF buckets of bits Take one down, short it to ground FE buckets of bits on the bus ad infinitum...

So alt, wie wir heute aussehen, werden wir nie werden.

A remarkable race newdatarecoveryinfo are the Persians; They have such peculiar diversions. They make love the whole day In the usual way And save up the nights for perversions.

What I'd like to see is a prohibition on Microsoft incorporating multi-megabyte Easter Eggs and other stupid bloatware into Windows and Office. A typical computer with pre-installed Microsoft shoveware probably only has about 3 megabytes of hard drive space free because of flight simulators, pinball games, and multimedia credits Easter Eggs that nobody wants. I predict that if Microsoft is ever forced to remove these things, the typical user will actually be able to purchase competing software now that they have some free space to put it on. Of course, stock in hard drive companies might plummet... -- Anonymous Coward, when asked by Humorix for his reaction to the proposed Microsoft two-way split

Harry came into work on Monday feeling absolutely fine, and so was astonished when his secretary urged him to lie down on the sofa; even more so when his boss took one look at him and ordered him to take the day, if not the week, off. Even his poker buddies wouldn't have anything to do with him, insisting that he go straight to bed. Finally, tired of resisting everyone's advice, he went to see his doctor, who took one look at him and rushed over with a stretcher. "But doctor," he protested, "I feel fine." Well, this was a puzzler, conceded the doctor, who proceeded to refer to the enormous reference tomes behind his desk, muttering to himself. "Looks good, feels good... No, you look like hell. Looks good, feels terrible... Nah, you feel fine, right?" Thumbing furiously through another volume, he said, "Looks terrible, feels terrible... Nope, that won't do it either." Finally, "Looks terrible, feels terrific... Aha!! You're a vagina!"

Everyone seems what's in dave's spare room? so impatient and angry these days. I think it's because so many people use Windows at work -- do you think you'd be Politeness Man after working on Windows 8 hrs. or more? -- Chip Atkinson

A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open techrepublic sea. The island on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."

Idiot Box, n.: The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are different lies.

A man without a God free online programming tutorials / frequently recommended programming books (thefreecountry.com) is like a fish without a bicycle.

Sex is better than grass, if you have the right pusher.

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There are three women on the fast track in a particular company. The president realizes it's time to promote one of them, but they're all so competent that he's not sure which one to choose. So he devises a little test. One day while they're all at lunch, he places $500 on each of their desks. #1 returns it to him immediately. #2 pockets it. #3 invests in the market and returns $1,500 to him in the morning. Who gets the promotion? The one with the big tits!

claimsprospector Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!

"If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe?"

diaphragm, n: A childproof cap.

All great truths begin as blasphemies. -- George Bernard Shaw

Admittedly, there are a lot of things that dba-oracle are better than sex, and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it...

The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism, call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it. -- Al Capone

Confucious say: woman who bathe in vinegar have sour puss.

Leela: "Are you real, or am I seeing single?" Alcazar: "Ow. Of course I'm real." Leela: "After all this time, somebody else with one eye who code certification isn't a clumsy carpenter or a kid with a BB gun."

"Laughter is the closest distance between two people." -- Victor Borge

"I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life."

Hear me out. Linux is Microsoft's main competition right now. Because of this we are forcing them to "innovate", something they would usually avoid. Now if MS Bob has taught us anything, Microsoft is not a company that should be innovating. When they do, they don't come up with things like "better security" or "stability", they come back with "talking paperclips", and "throw in every usless feature we can think of, memory footprint be dammed". Unfortunatly, they also come up with the bright idea of executing email. Now MIME attachments aren't enough, they want you to be able to run/open attachments right when you get them. This sounds like a good idea to people who believe renaming directories to folders made computing possible for the common man, but security wise it's like vigorously shaking a package from the Unibomber. So my friends, we are to blame. We pushed them into frantically trying to invent "necessary" features to stay on top, and look where it got us. Many of us informit are watching our beloved mail servers go down under the strain and rebuilding our company's PC because of our pointless competition with MS. I implore you to please drop Linux before Microsoft innovates again. -- From a Slashdot.org post in regards to the ILOVEYOU email virus

The box said "Requires Windows 95 or better." I can't understand why it won't work on my Linux computer.

Fucking sweet!

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. -- Woody Allen

During the Reagan-Mondale debates: Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to perform as president?" Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and inexperience."

spinster, n.: software Unlusted number.

"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it."

My brother-in-law has found a dba way to make ends meet. He goes around with his head stuck up his ass.

Christmas comes but once a year, A time for love and laughter; You can come much more than that, But you have to clean up after.

I think pop music has done programacion more for oral intercourse than anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa. -- Frank Zappa

"No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of paper." -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was taken over by Rupert Murdoch

Come up and see me sometime. Come Wednesday, that's amateur night. -- Mae West

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. -- Wernher von Braun

God rest ye CS students now, Let nothing you dismay. The VAX is down and won't be up, Until the first of May. The program that was due this morn, Won't be postponed, they say. Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, Comfort and joy, Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. The bearings on the drum are gone, The disk is wobbling, too. We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol Can't tell false from true. And now we find that we can't get At Berkeley's 4.2. (chorus)

In Tulsa, Oklahoma, lists it is against the law to open a soda bottle without the supervision of a licensed engineer.

Top Ten Changes If Linus Torvalds Achieves World Domination 10. That annoying Linus character from the Peanuts cartoons would be killed off 9. New fashion style: Scantily clad females, even in twenty below weather 8. Forget Disney World, say hello to Penguin World! 7. Late Show with Linus Torvalds 6. High schools offer classes on kernel hacking 5. Microsoft stock certificates traded as rare collectors' items, along with Confederate money and Roman coins 4. Beowolf Clusters for everyone! 3. Computers no longer come with reset buttons 2. United States of Linusia 1. Three words: Open Source Beer

For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.

Please, won't writing for sswug.org somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?

A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. She blew her vagina To South Carolina, And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill, Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. They found her vagina, In South reading details of the columns in a table Carolina, And part of her ass in Brazil.

Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32: Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? A: I will be three months November 8th. Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Fry: Leela, Bender, we're going grave-robbing. Bender: I'll get my kit!

"My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things a girl should not do before twenty." "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large audience, either."

Leela: "Are you real, or am I seeing single?" Alcazar: "Ow. Of course I'm real." Leela: "After all this time, somebody else with one eye who isn't a clumsy carpenter or a freshlinks kid with a BB gun."

Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat? A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. Q: How long does it take? A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've brought frequently asked questions about jdbc with them. Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? A: They replace your generator.

"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!" -- W. C. Fields

If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. Or some joker who is slicker, Will trick you of your liquor, If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.

QOTD: "The only real difference between men and microsoft access 2002 training course women is that men are crabby all month long."

Amy: Aw, he looks like a little insane drunken angel.

Sink or Swim with Teddy!

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately computersandjunk explained by stupidity.

Don't get stuck in a closet jnb-sep -- wear yourself out.

Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time.

On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris. "Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let you come any closer." "But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man explained. "OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a decapitation." The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?" "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much taller."

Linux: the dot in "dot org". -- From a Slashdot.org post

"Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power tools aren't soluble in alcohol ..." -- Crazy Nigel

My girlfriend and I sure had a good time ziff davis media - ziff davis publishing - corporate information at the beach last summer. First she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go back and dig her up.

"`...and the Universe,' continued the waiter, determined not to be deflected on his home stretch, `will explode later for your pleasure.' Ford's head swivelled slowly towards him. He spoke with feeling. `Wow,' he said, `What sort of drinks do you serve in this place?' The waiter laughed a polite little waiter's laugh. `Ah,' he said, `I think sir has perhaps misunderstood me.' `Oh, I hope not,' breathed Ford." - Ford in paradise.

Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows. Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes. Democrats eat the fish they catch. Republicans hang them on the wall. Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first. Democrats make up plans and then do something else. Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made. Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA. The remainder is thrown out. Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't. Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms. That is why there are more Democrats. -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"

An aesthete from South Carolina Had a cock that tickled like China, But while shooting his load It cracked like old Spode, So he's bought him a Steuben vagina.

If jnb-june little else, the brain is an educational toy. -- Tom Robbins

Farnsworth: Oh my God!! Fry: What is it? Farnsworth: It's..It's...It's my new pager!

BUGLESS PROGRAM (n): see: Abstract Theoretical Concept.

A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase. He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name should be masculine or feminine. After considerable thought, he settled on an naming the car either Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice. "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of them looked at him pecularly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and went on their way rather quickly. He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine." The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he asked. "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were masculine." "Unhhh... Well, why not?" "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like terms of service they say... `Each Nissan, she go!'" [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.]

Hear about... the fun-loving young lady who insists she won't even consider marriage until she's gotten some experience under her belt?

MAFIA, n: [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay. Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and entire nodal aggravations. -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"

Cunnilingus is next to godliness.

Haggis, n.: Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute ...

Mathematicians ... do it in groups. ... do it in theory. ... take it to linking suggestions: how to link to thefreecountry.com the limit.

Leela: Okay, this has gotta stop. I'm going to remind Fry of his humanity the way only a woman can. Professor: You're going to do his laundry?

She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic candidates for president. -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist Elizabeth Gould Davis

Bill Gates is surfing the Internet, collecting the URLs of anti-Micrsoft websites to send to the legal department for possible libel lawsuits. Suddenly the devil appears, and says, "Bill, I've got a deal for you. I will turn Microsoft into a complete software monopoly. Every computer will run Windows. Every user will be forced to buy Microsoft software. The Justice Department will look the other way. Everyone will love you. You only have to do one thing: give me your soul." Bill Gates looks at him and replies, "Ok, sure. But what's the catch?"

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Blackmail Error: Send $200 to Bill Gates or your computer will get so messed up it will never work again.

Q: If Tarzan redhat was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah be? A: A fur coat.

If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn 365 useless things.

One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net, I'll tell you."

Naeser's Law: You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.

Professor: Ouch! That's going to bleed when my heart beats.

"I do movinghelponline remain confident in Linda [Chavez]. She'll make a fine labor secretary. From what I've read in the press accounts, she's perfectly qualified." George W. Bush January 8, 2001 Comment by the president-elect during a press conference.

Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs. -- Lily Tomlin

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't unixodbc the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment. -- Robert Benchley

Auf dem Baum, da sitzt ein Specht, der Baum ist hoch, dem Specht ist schlecht.

Little Boy Blew... he needed the money.

"Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY db2 performance expert for multiplatforms v2 can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers." -- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic

ARTHUR It probably seems a terrible thing to say, but you know what I sometimes think would be useful in these situations? LINT. What? ARTHUR A gun of some sort. LINT.2 Will this help? ARTHUR What is it? LINT.2 A gun of some sort. ARTHUR Oh, that'll help. Can you make it fire? LINT. Er... F/X DEAFENING ROAR LINT. Yes. - Arthur and the Lintillas gaining the upper hand, Fit the Twelfth.

My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go back and dig the power and magic of lpg her up.

Some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the best of the choices available. Some people are idealists, standing for principle and refusing to compromise. And some people just act on any whim that enters their heads. I pragmatically turn my whims into principles! -- Calvin

"`Credit?' he said. `Aaaargggh...' These two words are usually coupled together in the Old Pink Dog Bar." - Ford in a spot of bother.

You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.

The Seventh Commandments for Technicians Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in other ways.

lists "He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..."

Security Holes Found In Microsoft Easter Eggs REDMOND, WA -- It's damage control time for the Microsoft Marketing Machine. Not only have exploits been found in IE, Outlook, and even the Dancing Paper Clip, but now holes have been uncovered in Excel's Flight Simulator and Word's pinball game. "If you enter Excel 97's flight simulator and then hit the F1, X, and SysRq keys while reading a file from Drive A:, you automatically gain Administrator rights on Windows NT," explained the security expert who first discovered the problem. "And that's just the tip of the iceberg." Office 97 and 2000 both contain two hidden DLLs, billrulez.dll and eastereggs.dll, that are marked as "Safe for scripting" but are not. Arbitrary Visual BASIC code can be executed using these files. More disturbing, however, are the undocumented API calls "ChangeAllPasswordsToDefault", "OpenBackDoor", "InitiateBlueScreenNow", and "UploadRegistryToMicrosoft" within easter~1.dll. Microsoft spokesdroids have already hailed the problem as "an insignificant byproduct of Microsoft innovation."

If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em. If they can, then fuck 'em.

An Army travels on her stomach.

Sudden Death Dating: Quote, female: Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it, at this point I'll take his first name, too.

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"I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer." -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"

Working hard around here is like pissing on yourself in a dark suit; you get a warm feeling but nobody notices.

It is recounted five cool things about iseries access that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine." He asked a nurse to fetch him a sample of urine. He then talked at length about Diabetes mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine of a diabetic ..." By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw-colored fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar then startled us. He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample was passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid, all of us foolishly licked that finger. "Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learnt the first principle of diagnosis. I mean the power of observation." We were baffled. We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some anonymous patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but licked my INDEX finger -- not like all you chaps.

Don't tell any big wisdomforce lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.

A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica: most men know it's there, but few really care.

Leela: "Where were you at 10pm last night?" Professor Farnsworth: "Where am I now?"

OPPRESSED GEEK: Everybody keeps blaming me for the Y2K problem, the Melissa Virus, Windows crashes... you name it. When somebody finds out you're a bona fide geek, they start bugging you about computer problems. I frequently hear things like, "Why sun microsystems - developer home can't you geeks make Windows work right?", "What kind of idiot writes a program that can't handle the year 2000?", "Geeks are evil, all they do is write viruses", and "The Internet is the spawn of Satan". I'm afraid to admit I have extensive computing experience. When somebody asks what kind of job I have, I always lie. From my experience, admitting that you're a geek is an invitation to disaster. LARRY WALL: I know, I know. I sometimes say that I'm the founder of a pearl harvesting company instead of admitting that I'm the founder of the Perl programming language. ERIC S. RAYMOND: This is tragic. We can't live in a world like this. We need your donations to fight social oppression and ignorance against geekdom... -- Excerpt from the Geek Grok '99 telethon

Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?

Reporter, n.: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Excellent day to have replication a rotten day.

Call on God, but row away from the rocks. -- Indian proverb

Once you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

jake hates all the girls(the shy ones, the bold linuxdevices.com headline news feed paul scorns all ones; the meek the girls(the proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim all except the cold ones; the slim ones plump tiny tall) all except the dull ones gus loves all the girls(the warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls ones; the mad (the moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean all except ones; the mean the dead ones kind dirty clean) all except the green ones -- e e cummings

Any excuse will serve a tyrant. -- Aesop

Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved.

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw asktom in lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.) Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.

"When Europe and America are divided, history tends to tragedy." George W. Bush June 15, 2001

"It's kinda jungley." George W. Bush August 25, 2001 Referring to a trail he is clearing on his Crawford, TX ranch.

Is this jnb-june really happening?

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. -- W. C. Fields

"I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer" -- Senator Claghorn

A remarkable race are the Persians, They have such peculiar diversions. They screw the whole day In the regular way, And save up the nights for perversions.

This is excellent news! I haven't thought about remedies yet... well, you know, I can think of one thing the court should do: require that Microsoft remove the Dancing bgs-soft Paper Clip and associated crap from Office... Oh, and while they're at it, get rid of those multi-megabyte easter eggs. Why does Excel need a flight simulator? So I can see the Blue Screen of Death in 3D? Oh, and another thing, the court needs to put a hex on ActiveX... -- Anonymous Coward's response to Judge Jackson's harsh Findings Of Fact against Microsoft

"Drug therapies are replacing a lot of medicines as we used to know it." George W. Bush October 17, 2000 Comments from St. Louis, Missouri Presidential Debate.

From now on, I'll connect the dots my own way. -- Calvin

Sure banking is Biblical! How about when Onan received a substantial penalty for early withdrawal? Or when Pharaoh's daughter went into the bulrushes and came out with a little prophet? And it was Moses who led the Children of Israel to the Banks of the Jordan!

Day software of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.

If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world? -- Richard M. Nixon

Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many times a job applicant has had the clap. Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written by a professional liar? If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question: did the applicant go to TCU? If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall? -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"

Fry: Mmm, the gristle in a blanket isn't half bad. Bender: And try one of these popsicle sticks. They've absorbed quite a bit of flavor.

n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); dbtools software - welcome to dbtools software n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); -- C code which reverses the bits in a word.

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

The first time we slept together she drove a recreational vehicle into the bedroom. -- Richard Lewis